The life cycle/ water cycle!! (?? soul cycle!!)

I am right now in a state of no thought…. why? I just realised something. Lets keep why what how questions about me aside and just see the point in here. I, for some reasons had no intention of living… this is long long ago way back in my 11th std, but instead of thinking of death, I was searching for a reason to live! Every reason I gave was being discarded by my mind. At the same time we were studying genetics and evolution at school and that was the most interesting thing for me. In fact everything else I use to read  or not(there were many chapters I hadn’t read by the time of exam ..like the whole zoölogy!),  but genetics and evolution were something that occupied my mind most of the days.

Evolution ! There is this theory of chemical evolution by Oparen and Haldane. This link contains a little bit about evolution of earth at start, that was also my favorite part in 10th. The gist of the whole theory is, in primordial earth(early stages after earth formation) the various conditions were present for formation of carbohydrates, nucleic acids, self replicating RNA molecules… all the important stuff in our body…. which formed in ocean under reducing conditions that prevailed at that time on earth… these were all proved by artificially creating the environment by various scientists. Then they say in this probiotic soup due to various chemical reactions life appeared! Then comes Darwin’s theory of natural selection which led up the ladder of evolution to human beings! I was also very much interested in botany …yeah botany! I am a huge fan of ascent of sap theory by Jagdish Chandra Bose (AND He was born on the same date as I was :)). I was little baffled, how did the chemicals in ocean suddenly become alive?, they interact understand a stimulus, react, recognize, feel.. is that all just chemicals? So what I did was, everyday I would sit and analyse how the chemicals might have worked up the ladder, where did the life enter into it?  ..one step at a time and another question was what are the plants evolving to… what is the next step in their evolution? .. 🙂 yeah! PLANTS! not humans. Lets leave the evolution of plants aside, not important for the discussion now. So let us start with amoeba.. chemicals reacted to take in what is called food because of some chemical reaction and because of some chemical reaction the organism evolved and mutations and natural selection (I hope you remember the entropy, enthalpy, Gibbs free energy, catalyst..and stuff which decide how a set of chemicals reacts in a given environment) and a very important point, in a given environment a reaction proceeds similarly how many ever times you repeat, of course to maintain energy equilibrium. This point is important in our evolution when we are looking at it as chemicals reacting. I was able to accept it till plants, may be because I don’t know their complexity. Then came us, human! We react in same situations differently…if it is all chemicals what is it that is changing with experience that our reaction next time changes? Lets go to brain then, there must have been changes in memory cells, so we react differently next time. There has to be a trigger for the reaction… lets see for crying … waves that we sense from our sensory organs… but we cry just sitting in a room and thinking! so where is the trigger then? Ok… a thought, what led for the thought to arise? why is the chemical reaction not balanced and still reacting? The thought went on and on. It was impossible to explain feelings and emotions and our reactions with just chemicals… I had no choice but say there was something this theory is missing. It explains formation of physical body but not life we live! You know a person frustrated with life has lot of emotions and I was trying to explain them.. and it was impossible. So I started thinking what is life? What is that missing component in these chemicals.. it is unlikely to be chemical, as our scientists won’t miss it. The whole point was to explain being conscious, where this came from. I had theories! My first option was energy. I believe somethings told by our elders are true and some rumors were added later. Energy perfectly fits into the description of god, and we are nothing but gods! It is conserved always, it can turn into matter, it cannot be destroyed but only be converted,in is omnipresent…. wait there can be created a space without energy, I don’t remember exactly what calculations I made and ruled it out.( I am supposed to have that paper somewhere!). I don’t know how and why but I realized that thing which entered the chemical body is me and not the body itself because life is me I leave this body life is gone. There were many theories but they are irrelevant as they dint fit… I am left with 2 questions… who am I? and What is its end?….why is everything evolving? what is the end? What is the goal of this evolution? How to end this soul? Either I had to find the reason to live or find how to end!! …. So started the journey that brought me to where I am. That is the story of my realization I have been talking about and promised in a different post.

 

Coming back to the realization I was talking about at start of this post… I probably shouldn’t call it realization.. I just read something and I am just stuck with it.’The water cycle’ , that is what came to my head after seeing this video  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ve0j9AIQ_I . It is not about why Vivekananda died early, but it explains something about consciousness. Doesn’t it remind you of water cycle? Just the ocean is down in water cycle! A drop falls down here from universal consciousness ( drops arise as water vapour from ocean) … and evolves to merge back in it ( all the droplets collect up there, rains, flows as rivers through what not and…… there comes back the ocean)!! …THE WATER CYCLE!! Why I am stuck with it? .. I recently asked the same question to someone and he replied in his blog ( I have a feeling some of you don’t understand that a blue colour means it has a link embedded in it, and clicking on it opens a new page which contains things I am talking about , I had to think this way because the whole point of the post about my masterji was to share links with you and no one clicked… or just may be everyone who read were his disciples! Just wanted to tell, just in case). If you don’t want to read the whole blog post of his, just read the last para, where he says… “There is no END…. there are ONLY NEW BEGINNINGS…” . It is a cycle! I don’t know if that is true…

I am just blank. It means I cant end it nor there is purpose! I am just blank………

Anyway I have figured what to do in this life with this body… and lets just hope I realize it over time … anyway it looks like I have all the time in the world!!

Just while checking the post, I felt may be the chemical equation imbalance was it! Not the chemicals or may be chemicals and consciousness, some balance went wrong and led to this cycle! I wish!, but it is quite a ridiculous thought (as I believe in ancient texts and they say everything is in perfect balance) or may be not ( after all it is a belief in texts, I don’t know if it is truth)!  Hmmm…This question of where the soul is going to.. tortures me.. and my guru won’t answer it( when he was physically alive), may be because he knew I would not understand it till I learn it for myself! Someone else’s realization is not going to satisfy me!..(I do hate my mind right now). It would be wonderful to learn in this lifetime or there are a lot of lifetimes anyway……….